Breakup Stages And How To Stop A Breakup At Each Stage
A relationship doesn’t just breakup in a single instance but it breaks up in sequential steps. There are stages in every breakup and your current unease or unhappiness in the relationship could be a sign that your relationship is in breakup mode. If you are aware of what is happening at each step then you can turn round the breakup. Do you sense that something has changed at the core of your relationship? Do you know whether what you sense is your partner in the process of disengaging from you and the relationship? When you know that something is wrong but you don’t realize that it is your partner breaking up with you then you tend to be caught completely unprepared when he completely disengages from you and the relationship. Sometimes it may be you disengaging from the relationship due to various things and you do not realize that you are in the stages of breaking up so that when you finally breakup completely you are surprised that you do not grieve much. Well here are some clues on the stages of breaking up and how you can stop breakup at each stage.
Stage 1: This is when one of you gets disillusioned with the other and begins to see their ‘ugly’ parts. One of you begins to feel discontent about how the other is treating them. How you deal with this will determine if you will continue into stage 2 of breaking up or whether you will both be able to communicate and negotiate a deal that will work for both of you. The problem is that none of us wants to be thought of as a complainer or we imagine that if we act better than our partner will change to match our good deeds or we just want to keep the peace so we pretend that all is well. This behavior doesn’t work as your partner has no clue what is happening and until you tell them then they will never know if anything is wrong and your disillusionment will get worse and you will move into stage 2 of the breakup process. Communicating honestly with your partner about what is wrong and then negotiating a workable solution that both of you can live with is key to surviving this stage. Each person must honestly speak their truth without shame and criticism and the other must hear them without getting offended with the purpose of finding a solution.
Stage 2: In this stage resentment begins to build up in the heart of the offended partner as they feel that they are not being heard and the bad behavior is still continuing. The offended person begins to either withdraw emotionally or to lash out at the other partner in a bid to deal with their own hurt and to get the other person to see that there is a problem. The problem with this behavior is that the offended partner is getting increasingly unhappy and in a bid to protect them-self they are withdrawing emotionally from their partner or being as nasty and abrasive as possible to them. The result is that both partners are angry and frustrated; and any interaction they have just makes the situation worse as they are both in fight or withdrawal mode. The communication at this stage is even harder than it was at stage 1 as both of you now hear each other through the lens of hurt and pain. You must lay aside whatever anger and frustration you feel and talk to your partner…and listen to them. Resist the temptation to retort back in anger. You may need professional help so that you can both lay down your weapons hear each other. If nothing is done at this breakup stage one or both of you may begin to look outside the relationship for validation or you may both get progressively unhappy, a death knell for any relationship. The two of you are still together but just barely, you no longer respect one another or have a civil discussion and you may begin to have separate lives.
Stage 3: At this stage there is an emotional breakup. You may still be together as a couple but your emotional connection is gone. You may share a house but not your lives and when you do talk it’s about unimportant things and not the things that really matter. You each find things to occupy your lives with so that you spend as little time together as possible. To turn this stage around you need professional help as your disconnect is too far gone for you to solve it without skilled help.
Stage 4: One of you finally gets tired of the unsatisfying relationship and leaves. They actually left in stage 3 as at that stage only their body was in the relationship but for many of us we are still surprised when they leave since we often imagine that all relationships go through ups and downs. That is true but unresolved resentment should never be a part of the ups and downs. This breakup stage also requires professional help as there will be too much hurt and resentment for the two of you to sort anything by yourselves.
Communication and negotiation are invaluable skills for any successful relationship and both partners must participate at each of the breakup stages if the relationship is to be salvaged at any stage.